From the mindset of a rather stubborn person, talking about issues is something I find hard to do. I grew up with the occasional run in with my parents and the numerous clashes with bullies, so talking became harder and harder because I was continuously shut down and sent to my room. More often than not, my voice became mute.
However, I did overcome this phase to an extent. I do have a hard shell and well I could compare myself to a tortoise since I am one very lazy person. This hard shell that I carry is more like a piece of my armour for me. My armour has evolved over many years of verbal abuse from my tormentors and the events I witnessed within my family. Every family has what you would call gossip, issues and feuds within the grape vines. My family had many and a lot that did occur behind closed doors.
These stories are unspoken of, partial to a few close family friends. Sometimes, you even have someone close to you that you think will understand and provide some sort of comfort blanket. But when they seamlessly brush your openness off their shoulder and don’t even provide sympathy, it does get you to wonder just how much they understand.
“You’ll be fine, it happened to my ex.”
Maybe that was my tell-tale sign that he wasn’t in it for the long haul.
People always say and reference something along the lines of you learn who your true friends are over the course of what seem like major events in one’s life. I’ve been fortunate enough to never have witnessed a murder or something as extravagant as such, but what I have been through, witnessed and overcome sometimes still haunts me. I never know when it’ll happen again or how long the peace will last. But I know who my friends are, the ones who stuck around and allowed me to escape my silence, and the ones that gave me a home away from home.
There are people worse off in this world and I know my life is something so small in comparison. But it’s the unwanted memories and experiences that make it fearful.
It is a fearful walk across this vast distance of thin ice.