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Thick Thieve

Well I like to know everything about anyone and everything, there is no doubt that I am a lover of a good gossip session. My social media stalking skills are so great I could put them on my resume. However when it comes down to the forwarding of the gossip, one must always be careful with whom they disclose the information to. As a young girl, I simply told anyone everything and as bad words spread, I learnt that the only true person you can trust with juicy gossip is your Mother. This is probably why she knows everything about my life, even to this very moment.

Three and a half years ago when I landed my job in my current position, I knew a man. A year later, this man landed himself in hot water and to my current knowledge, has already served his time. However, between being caught and donning a jumpsuit, this man was involved in the recreational sport of basketball and would sit alongside myself at committee meetings. I kept this story bottled up for consecutive months on end until the day he met his new cell mates. The only person who knew was my Mother, the trusty ear. It was a real test of my patience, he asked me to keep my silence, yet not once could he produce a financial report at a committee meeting.

So having learnt to hold my tongue and trust no one but Mother, you could say that I am a very, very thick thieve in this world of tales and gossip.

I have a friend who always manages to ‘let things slip’. I can tell her something about Bob* and you can guarantee that either she, herself will repeat it to Bob* or a third-party will mention it to me. So I learnt to keep my doors half closed with this friend because god knows the whole world will be informed if I do something dreadful.

I have another friend whom I tell about the world. My word that is. I would consider him a rant buddy, who better to send thousands of glorified text messages to? Anyway, in a complete flip of subject, today he gave me his log in details for Plenty of Fish. It’s been weeks since I went on an online dating website, but this was beyond different. So as a female looking at other females accounts, wow. I once – and I mean like a year ago – changed my Tinder preference to female just to compare and view what was out there, but I think I was looking at females who prefer the company of females. I only wanted to see what straight girls were writing in their bio because I was lost for words.

Anyway, I was on this guy’s Plenty of Fish account and I had the responsibility of selecting the women in which he would converse with because he has shit all luck in the world of dating. I’d just like to say that I feel as if my selections were a load of shit and I bid him luck with that. I did however copy and paste the same opening line to maybe twelve different women so I’m secretly hoping they all respond just to annoy him.

The one liner: If you could have any superpower, what would you pick?

Now, to the main reason I wanted to write a blog today was to address the fact that people do not, for the life of them, know how to selfie. Hideous!

Where did these women on Plenty of Fish learn to take a selfie because damn girl, I could hike up those chins of yours if you keep taking selfies from below!

Also, good lighting usually helps.

And I would highly recommend that you take five seconds before capturing the selfie to observe your surroundings – dirty laundry on the floor is not attractive.

Not to mention the bathroom selfies with dirty mirrors…

I’m done: women, read!

So as far as my wing women skills extend, I would say that they simply do not extend. I will remain a thick thieve with this guy and that shall be all because I am retiring from any wing women duties as I just suck balls.

Peace out my fellow thieves!

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